Tag: academia

Auntie Tom's Syrup

Last Week in Weird

by Darien Sumner

Auntie Tom’s Syrup

If there’s anything that can bring people together — people of all races, colours, and creeds, without regard to national boundaries, places of origin, or bizarre hallucinations about having an intimate relationship with Tetris — it’s pancakes. And what pancake feast would be complete without a heaping helping of high fructose corn syrup, artificially flavoured to taste vaguely like what focus groups in southern California assume is maple? Why, truly, it would be a sad day in America without our precious national heritage of remotely food-like bottled rubbish.

Because you’re a newly-hatched innocent little bright-eyed butterfly, I’m sure you’re startled to hear that pancake syrup is racist too.

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Sorry, couldn't pick any of the pictures of shirtless chicks. Had to be these doofuses.

Last Week in Weird

by Darien Sumner

Dude, where’s my jihad?

Thank God we have the federal government to keep us safe from terror. I can’t begin to imagine how terrified I’d be every waking moment without our noble public servants heroically interposing themselves between my stunted, childlike inability to deal with the terror and the terrifyingly harsh existential terror of international terror. In particular, it’s nice to hear that the government is keeping me safe from the terror of hipsters paying their buddies back for beer.

It turns out this poor sap went out drinking with a buddy at a bar in the West Village. Later in the evening, he attempted to reimburse his buddy for $42 worth of beer by sending the money via Venmo, which appears to be Paypal remade for the iPhone. In his drunken hipster daze, he decided it would be funny to note in the comments field that the money was for "ISIS beer funds!!!," in response to which the OFAC "detained" (read: stole) his money to keep it from going to another nefarious hipster beer terrorist.

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