Vaporizeware
A few months ago, I bought a USB floppy drive. I know what you’re thinking: what’s a floppy drive? See, back in the dark age of technology, data was stored on removable media that could hold up to — up to, mind you — 1.44 megabytes. I distinctly recall carrying all the data I owned in the world around in my breast pocket on three such diskettes. Nowadays this technology has fallen by the wayside, and only crusty old codgers like your humble narrator still remember it.
Crustier even than I is the United States Department of Defense, which recently revealed that the coordination of the nation’s entire nuclear arsenal — which amounts to more than five thousand warheads — is performed by software loaded on original 8-inch floppy disks running on a 1976 IBM Series/1 minicomputer.
Defense has plans to upgrade its nuclear-related technology system soon. Lt. Col. Valerie Henderson, department spokeswoman, said: "This system remains in use because, in short, it still works. However, to address obsolescence concerns, the floppy drives are scheduled to be replaced with Secure Digital devices by the end of 2017. Modernization across the entire Nuclear Command, Control, and Communications (NC3) enterprise remains ongoing."
I’ll be honest with you: it’s fun to pick on the government, but the argument "this system remains in use because… it still works" carries a lot of weight with me, especially considering that you and I will be paying the tab for any upgrades. Honestly, I want these things (assuming they must exist at all, of course) upgraded as infrequently as possible. Since CNBC is shocked at the downright gaucheness of the government using "creaky" technology, I would like to suggest that CNBC foot the bill for upgrading it and leave the rest of us alone.
On second thought, I’d like to suggest that it not be upgraded at all; do we really want the Treasury Department’s ability to assess tax liability to be more efficient or (God forbid) user friendly? Do we really want the tax system or the nuclear launch codes to be an option when the next Guccifer decides to take the United States government for a ride?
Oops, I did it again
Oh that wacky CIA. I just can’t get enough of its zany antics! This time around, it looks like the Agency has "mistakenly destroyed" its only copy of the sixty-seven-hundred page report put out by the senate detailing all the horrible ways the CIA has tortured prisoners over the last fifteen years. Whoops! What were the chances?
One intelligence community source told Yahoo News, which first reported the development, that last summer CIA inspector general officials deleted an uploaded computer file with the report and then accidentally destroyed a disk that also contained the document.
Darn the luck! Can you believe this horrible mistake accidentally happened twice?
Douglas Cox, a City University of New York School of Law professor who specialises in tracking the preservation of federal records told Yahoo News: "It’s breathtaking that this could have happened, especially in the inspector general’s office — they’re the ones that are supposed to be providing accountability within the agency itself. It makes you wonder what was going on over there?"
It makes me wonder why somebody with "professor" prepended to his name doesn’t know how to use question marks. Other than that, no, not much wonderment here; I’m pretty sure the CIA inspector general’s office has sent a pretty clear message about exactly what’s going on over there.
Cori Crider, a director at international human rights organisation Reprieve said in a statement: "Clearly the CIA would rather we all forgot about torture. But it’s stunning that even the CIA’s own watchdog couldn’t manage to hang onto its copy of the Senate’s landmark report about CIA black sites. One worries that no one is minding the store."
In a shocking turn of events, that is the exact opposite of what I’m worrying about.
Mein Kampf
On this edge of reality, our money is being plundered to pay the salaries of arrogant bureaucrats so they can pretend they accidentally lost the same 6700-page document multiple times. On the other side of the looking glass, in Germany, the people are being forced to underwrite the cost of the government creating pictographic sex manuals to distribute to the massive influx of subsidized "refugees" (link is NSFW, unless, evidently, you work for the government of Germany. TSA goons also are probably fine.)
In some places, the site offers advice on how to interact with, and be respectful of, gays and lesbians and members of the opposite sex. In other places, the site is a de facto instruction manual for how to have sex in different ways and in different positions.
The site is adorned with cartoon illustrations of various sex acts that are equally graphic and clinical.
One section deals explicitly with young people trying to lose their virginity. It offers a helpful tip for the big night: "Make sure that no one can disturb you." It goes on to describe the various sensations and emotions people have when losing their virginity.
Yes, it’s true: the government of Germany is now officially forcing its citizens to pay for government-created porn, and is then forcing those same citizens to pay for and accommodate tens of thousands of consumers for the government porn industry, which is what we could be tempted to call "getting them coming and going." I’ll not place any pictures here, since that would be excessively family-unfriendly, but suffice to say that they are, like 80s movies about gangs, both quite explicit and charmingly "ethnically diverse."
I suppose, in a way, we should be jealous. When the United States government steals our money and uses it to produce pornography, it keeps it all to itself.
#BlackLiesMatter
It looks like the evil White Privilege is continuing its perfect, unbroken streak of being utterly fake. Once again, a horrible hate crime has appeared: in this case, black University of Iowa student Marcus Owens was savagely beaten by a band of marauding white race terrorists for the crime of being black in a place where they don’t take kindly to that sort of thing:
Owens claimed on the night of April 30 he was attacked, out of nowhere and without provocation, by three white college-age men, who beat him bloody while screaming racial slurs and landed him in the hospital.
Activist students claimed the attack showed a climate of racial hatred in Iowa City, and they also denounced the university for taking until May 4 to issue a statement about the matter.
"How many black students must be a victim of a hate crime before an alert is sent out," one student complained online at the time.
Professor Douglas Cox would like to extend his thanks to this anonymous student for lending him a question mark. In response to that almost-question, apparently the answer is "at least one," since it turns out that this hate crime was, just like all the rest, a hoax. Security camera footage apparently shows Owens entering a bar, involving himself in a melee, getting thrown out, and then picking a few more fights for good measure:
Last Week in Weird would like to give Marcus Owens props for wearing a jacket when he goes out, but would also like to remind him that grown-ups tuck their shirts in as well. At least Owens had the stones to apologize for his hoax, rather than trying to dig his way out:
"Marcus now knows that his account of events was inconsistent with police findings, in part due to alcohol being involved, his embarrassment at his behavior, as well as the injuries he sustained," the family’s statement says. "In light of this, it was concluded that this incident was not a hate crime as originally believed, but rather a case of excessive underage drinking and extremely poor judgment on the part of many people, Marcus included."
Admit it: you’re expecting me to pile on Owens here. Well, I’m not going to do it; dude’s been pretty thoroughly piled-atop already, and he did (albeit halfheartedly) acknowledge that he made the whole thing up. Instead, I’d just like to point out that I’ve been writing Last Week in Weird for a year now, and I’m still waiting for even one campus hate crime not to be a hoax.
Old King Cotton’s dead and buried
… Young senator Cotton, sadly, is still with us. What’s America’s favorite ultra-belligerent misanthrope up to now? Why, he’s claiming that a major problem facing the United States today is that too few people are in jail:
"Take a look at the facts. First, the claim that too many criminals are being jailed, that there is over-incarceration, ignores an unfortunate fact: for the vast majority of crimes, a perpetrator is never identified or arrested, let alone prosecuted, convicted, and jailed," Cotton said during a speech at The Hudson Institute, according to his prepared remarks. "Law enforcement is able to arrest or identify a likely perpetrator for only 19 percent of property crimes and 47 percent of violent crimes. If anything, we have an under-incarceration problem."
Tom Cotton is either unaware or pretending to be unaware that very, very few people who complain about "over-incarceration" are upset that too many serial murderers get caught. If only, Tom Cotton imagines I’m saying, more murderers, robbers, arsonists, and rapists got away scot-free! That’s what America is all about, after all!
No, Tom Cotton, nobody is saying that. What people are complaining about is that the United States accounts for 4% of the population of the world, and nearly a quarter of the prison population. Something’s wrong with that picture! China has nearly four times as many people as the United States, and a regime we’re constantly assured is dictatorial and evil and oppressive, and the United States has three-quarters of a million more prisoners. To suggest that the United States suffers from "an under-incarceration problem" is so evil and so stupid that one would almost have to be Tom Cotton to say it.