Welcome to the afterlife, Jean-Luc. You’re dead.
Boy howdy did I get in trouble four years ago for talking about what a sham that election was. I’m assuming all you gooves who gave me no end of flawlessly civil and respectful disagreement over that one are once again busily convincing yourselves that this year’s electionball tournament also featured what they call NO FOUL PLAY WHATSOEVER, but it may be worth pointing out that your humble narrator is not a “Trump guy” this time around any more than he was last time.
So complaining that the new guy wasn’t actually elected — which is obviously the case — has roughly the same moral weight as Misty posting a sign on the Cerulean Gym saying that Giovanni is not the rightful boss of Team Rocket. It’s important because it’s true — except the bit about Team Rocket, which I made up — but it’s not like the figure of the boss is the important element. The organization is evil either way, yeah?
All of which brings us to Qanon. Now, I realize I’ve already disqualified myself from having anything to say on this topic by using the term “Qanon” — since, as any fule kno, “Q” and “anon” are two separate people and don’t you forget it — but I’ll soldier on nonetheless. One could be forgiven for assuming that times are dark for our Q friends, since Usurper Joe is fully ensconced in the imperial throne and the Donald is playing golf in Florida, but apparently this is all part of the plan; this is some type of biblical tribulation before the second coming of Trump, and ‘ere long he’ll come riding back into Washington in a flaming chariot to save our jobs and also women’s sports. So there’s lovely.
Whenever I’m diving into internet weirdness, I have a few guiding principles, if you will. A few things that send up red flags to tell me that maybe — just maybe! — something is fishy here. Two of the big ones are numerology and dog whistles; if your proof revolves around interpreting the timestamps on tweets symbolically, you’ve lost me, and if your proof revolves around telling me that a plain, understandable statement really means something totally different to those in the know, then you’ve lost me again. But when you’re doing numerology and dog whistling at the same time, and you get Mike Pompeo involved, then the flags become heretofore undiscovered levels of red:
If the plan you guys want me to trust involves the CIA saving us from the deep state… I think I might pass.
Not to say these guys are getting desperate, but come on.
And now: Trump
I’m not one of those people who are terribly disappointed by the Trump regime. My expectations were low, and were actually exceeded; as you may recall, my big hope for the Trump administration was that it wouldn’t start a major war with Russia, and that came to pass, though it appears that Usurper Joe is rushing to wrong that particular right. I also got even more comedy gold than I had been hoping for, and it accomplished things, yet; Trump trolled the deep state so effectively that it actually outed itself. It may be hard to remember here in the grim darkness of the far future, but, five years ago, we were mocked and ridiculed for the mere suggestion that there may be an unaccountable, permanent shadow government run by the agencies that actually has the real power in Washington. Now? Now that’s openly admitted — bragged about, even, since don’t you know that’s the only thing that saved us from the unrivaled existential threat of Orange Man sending mean tweets.
So I report, with some glee and no small amount of giggling, that even in exile, the Donald continues to be a master troll:
Today, the 45th President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, formally opened the Office of the Former President.
The Office will be responsible for managing President Trump’s correspondence, public statements, appearances, and official activities to advance the interests of the United States and to carry on the agenda of the Trump Administration through advocacy, organizing, and public activism.
President Trump will always and forever be a champion for the American people.
Remember when Usurper Joe’s handlers fantasized about an “Office of the President-Elect,” which is not a thing? Oh, that Trump guy; he’s good at this.
Meet the new boss
I’d like to take this opportunity to introduce you to Usurper Joe’s press secretary, Jen Psaki:
Note especially her very fine hat.
If you hallucinate something, say something
Not that I’m trying to suggest that things are getting too Soviet here in the land of the free $600 and the home of the terrified-of-the-plague, but kids are turning their parents in to the feds for being politically unreliable, and the commentariat is cheering them on:
When Jackson Reffitt’s father returned to the family home in Wylie, Texas, after the pro-Trump riot on Capitol Hill earlier this month, Jackson claimed that he warned his son to keep his mouth shut. “If you turn me in, you’re a traitor,” he reportedly said. “And you know what happens to traitors. Traitors get shot.”
However, Jackson had already reported the 48-year-old Guy Reffitt to the FBI, telling agents he thought his father was planning “something big” during the certification of election results at the capitol, per a New York Times article on Sunday. After the riot, Reffitt was identified in video footage from the Capitol, tracked down in Texas, and arrested, according to a sworn affidavit by an FBI agent.
Sorry about the maze of antecedentless pronouns in the first paragraph; Russians hacked it. The key takeaway is that this kid had already ratted his father out to the feds on the suspicion that he was going to do “something big,” and then, when nothing big happened, his father got arrested anyhow. I bet that kid feels like a heel now!
Apparently encouraged by his supporters, Reffitt set up a crowdfunding campaign, and after raising the donation limit several times has netted just under $87,000 in less than three days. This amount has paid for his university tuition, repaired his car, and purchased his dental insurance, Reffitt wrote on GoFundMe.
Remember that wise old saying about men who would sell their grandmothers for a nickel?
Ladies and gentlemen, the usurper-in-chief of the United States
Presented without comment.