Olha, que coisa mais linda, mais cheia de graça
Rio de Janeiro has a bit of an image problem lately. Tourists getting murdered on the beach will do that to you, to say nothing of this year’s Plague That Will Destroy Civilization, the dreaded zika virus. Still and all, Rio’s newly-elected mayor has a bold plan that will restore the city to its well-deserved place as the crown jewel of Latin tourism. No, he does. Listen:
"Rio de Janeiro cannot continue treating its tourists as if they were an afterthought," Mr. Crivella, 59, told the audience, emphasizing the need to "shatter" Rio’s "negative image."
"This is something we need to discuss," he said.
You’re on to me, aren’t you. You’ve already guessed that this is going to be something absurd. Still and all, your humble narrator is willing to bet you aren’t guessing anything quite as absurd as the mayor’s actual plan, which is to pay reparations to tourists who are mugged while in Rio. Now, understand this: I don’t mean to say the mayor is setting aside a block of money to pay people who’ve been mugged recently, along with maybe some plan to reduce the muggings going forward. No, the plan is evidently to tell everybody "come to Rio! Sure, you’ll get mugged, but we’ll pay you back!" which I’m not a hundred percent sure is a good sales pitch.
"Now, Darien," I hear you thinking, "you’re a mayor yourself. Surely you understand these things need to be paid for. Where will the money come from?" But that’s the best part!
Mr. Crivella, who will take office on Jan. 1, said his "bold proposal" could be funded by assessing a new tax on airplane tickets bought by tourists.
So the plan is to rob Peter to pay Peter in case somebody else robs Peter also? Brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that?
"Creating such a tax makes no sense, unless the aim is to discourage tourism in Rio de Janeiro," said Mário Beni, a scholar of the global tourism industry who has served on the United Nations’ World Committee on Tourism Ethics.
Wait, you’re telling me that, if you tax something, you’ll get less of it? Sounds pretty sketchy to me, Super Mario. Why don’t you just try putting a tax on kidnapping the princess and see where that gets you?
Speaking of video games
That segue is utter rubbish, but it’s the best I can do, considering this next item has absolutely no connection to liberty at all. I mean, the best thing I can come up with is that, once upon a time, this guy blurted out that he intended to run for president. So, yeah, that ain’t much, but this next bit is so weird I just had to include it. It turns out that, in between planning his presidential bid and meatwittedly commenting on the presidential bids of others, rapper Kanye West has found the time to do some rapping. His upcoming album is evidently entitled TurboGrafx-16, and, well, here’s the track listing:
1. Metroid: Other M
2. Muramasa the Demon Blade
3. New Super Mario Bros
4. No More Heroes 2
5. Okami
6. Pikmin 2
7. Rabbids Go Home
8. Red Steel 2
9. Resident Evil
10. Silent Hill
11. Sin & Punishment 2
12. Sonic Colors
13. Super Mario Galaxy Pt. 1 & Pt. 2
14. Tatsunoko vs. Capcom
Especially considering the fact that I’m at least 70% sure none of those games ever appeared on the TurboGrafx-16, that’s a truly awesome level of weirdness. At this time, it is unknown whether the songs just have madcap names or whether they’re actually about the games in question; regardless, I think I speak for the entire liberty movement and the executive board of Ubisoft when I say that I cannot wait for Kanye West’s Rabbids Go Home.
WWJD?
There is apparently no depth too low for the blasphemous Marxoid who currently haunts the Basilica of St. Peter to sink to, and that now includes scatological name-calling.
The pope excused himself for using terminology that some might find repellent. "I think the media have to be very clear, very transparent, and not fall into — no offence intended — the sickness of coprophilia, that is, always wanting to cover scandals, covering nasty things, even if they are true," he said. "And since people have a tendency towards the sickness of coprophagia, [sic] a lot of damage can be done."
He also spoke of the danger of using the media to slander political rivals.
Coprophilia, n.: marked interest in excrement; especially : the use of feces or filth for sexual excitement.
Coprophagy, n.: the eating of feces that is normal behavior among many animals.
Just so we’re clear here, Pope Cartman I sees no contradiction whatsoever between tarring people he doesn’t like as coprophiliacs and coprophagists and then nagging everybody else not to "slander political rivals." You stay classy, pope. Also worth noting is that the pope explicitly states that the media should avoid covering scandals even if they are true. The purpose of the media, according to this fine, upstanding vicar of Christ, is apparently to render unto Caesar whatever assistance Caesar desires.
Disinformation was the greatest potential harm the media could cause, he said, because "it directs opinion in only one direction and omits the other part of the truth".
In case anybody was wondering whether or not Pope Francis has ever read any books not by Marx, the answer is no. Thesis, antithesis, synthesis. That’s pretty much the man’s entire worldview. And that’s terrible.
Last week in fake news
It’s almost enough to make me feel bad for Jill Stein. After she sold out to Hillary Clinton, abandoning any perception of her as a principled candidate and, God willing, sinking the Green Party the rest of the way into oblivion, it looks like her dream of bureaucratically unelecting Donald Trump keeps encountering one obstacle after another. This time around, even though she got the paperwork for her Michigan recount filed in time, it turns out that the ballot totals in the heavily-Democratic areas of the state — which is to say: the places she really needs to find more votes — don’t match the recorded vote totals. Whoops missus!
Michigan’s largest county voted overwhelmingly for Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton, but officials couldn’t reconcile vote totals for 610 of 1,680 precincts during a countywide canvass of vote results late last month.
Most of those are in heavily Democratic Detroit, where the number of ballots in precinct poll books did not match those of voting machine printout reports in 59 percent of precincts, 392 of 662…
County reports obtained by The Detroit News, though, indicate canvassers were provided no explanation for why the numbers didn’t add up in those precincts. They certified the results of the election anyway.
Hmm. Hmmmmmmmm. Nope, I’m unable to conceive of any possible explanation, since we all know the elections are totally honest and above-board.
Also I can’t get over the picture the Detroit News put at the top of its article. I’ve been staring at it and laughing for like ten minutes now.
So be good for goodness’ sake
Oh, St. Nicolás Maduro, that jolly old elf. Once again, he’s shown the people of Venezuela that he sees them when they’re sleeping and knows when they’re awake. Good little boys and girls will get lots of discounted toys! Bad little boys and girls will be robbed at gunpoint by government thugs and have four million toys stolen from them. This is the People’s Glorious Revolutionary Christmas, you Scrooge McJerks.
Venezuelan authorities have arrested two toy company executives and seized almost four million toys, which they say they will distribute to the poor.
Officials accused the company of hoarding toys and hiking prices in the run-up to Christmas…
"Our children are sacred, we will not let them rob you of Christmas," [the government] said in a tweet, along with photos and video of thousands of boxes of toys.
Thank you, St. Nick! Now toys will become superabundant at low, low prices! As any fule kno, that plan worked startlingly well when the Venezuelan government applied it to food and household goods, so I’m sure it’ll work just as well with toys!
Last week, the government issued an order to retailers to reduce prices on a range of goods by 30%…
In late 2013, the country introduced laws allowing the government to fix prices and dictate profit margins.
The same legislation limited profits to 30%
So doing the math on this… let me see, carry the seven… I think that means Bernie was right all along! Infinite prosperity for everybody! Hooray for democratic socialism!