Honest Journalism
You’ve probably heard by now, but the next president of the United States will be Hillary Rodham Clinton. We know this because a stalwart bastion of journalistic integrity said so — specifically Newsweek, which made the decision to go ahead and print its special commemorative "Madam President" issues well in advance of the election. Newsweek defended itself by pointing out that this is a common practice; production times being what they are, generally both commemorative issues do get printed, and only the correct one sees distribution. CNN even provided intellectual cover by referencing the true correct fact that MLB produced both Chicago Cubs and Cleveland Indians World Series championship memorabilia, but only sold the Cubs version (the Indians gear will be offloaded in the third world as discount apparel — no, that’s true). There’s just one problem with the story.
As CNN explains to its slower readers, "this is the media version of World Series keepsakes that were on sale in Cleveland and Chicago last week. Street vendors printed "Cubs win" and "Indians win" T-shirts, then trashed the Indians shirts after the Cubs won Game 7."
There is just one very notable difference: in the case of the World Series, there were two sets of shirts created. However, in the case of the infamous Newsweek special edition, the publishing company Topix, decided to print just one.
Guess which. [Emphasis original]
Whoops missus!
Still, a simple "business decision," and the only fallout is Newsweek scrambling to get the Trump issues printed, right? I mean, it’s not like they’d be so stupid as to distribute the Hillary magazines before the election results came in, right?
Newsweek and a partner that prints up special commemorative issues has been forced into an embarrassing recall, after it sent out 125,000 copies of its Madam President issue designed to celebrate Hillary Clinton’s win…
"Like everybody else, we got it wrong," Tony Romando, chief executive of Topix Media, told The New York Post…
Mrs Clinton was even spotted signing a copy at an eve of election event in Pittsburgh.
Well that’s just embarassing. At the risk of failing to be humble, however, your humble narrator is compelled to question whether or not "everybody else" did indeed get it wrong. Now, I’ve been very good — I’ve taken the high road and not gloated about this even once — but Last Week in Weird is about anything but taking the high road, so I’ll point out that I’ve been warning you people for months that the polls were wrong — even pointing out exactly what the error was that was causing the polls to be wrong — and what did it get me? Derision. Now all these mainstream media types are wringing their hands claiming that "nobody knew" about these problems. Hogwash. You clowns dug yourselves this hole through your corruption and your hubris, and you’ll get no sympathy from me. I just wish the New York Times had actually run this headline. Sadly, if this story is to be believed, the days of the New York Times being hilariously dishonest may be coming to an end! And we all know we can believe the New York Times!
Those violent Trump supporters
The past week has seen a surge in violent crime, which we’re all supposed to believe is because of those horrible racist Trump rednecks getting all riled up and lynching them some negresses — preferably Jewish ones, if available. However, while one searches in vain for a story of violence perpetrated by Trumpists (one that isn’t a hoax, anyhow), there’s a veritable avalanche of angels of tolerance attacking Trump supporters. Of course, those Trump supporters were dangerous, unhinged mobs of drunken Klansmen, so it’s just self-defense, right?
A student at Stafford Elementary is recovering Wednesday after being beaten by several of his classmates.
He says it was during a mock election when the class was asked, "Who voted for Donald Trump?"…
"These boys decided to ask the classroom, ‘Who voted for Donald Trump?’ And then I said, ‘I did.’ And then they come over here and jerked me out of my seat," said the student. "Before I could get up they started kicking me and punching me."
I didn’t realize America had such a wave of meth-addled, racist, Nazi elementary-school Klansmen. It’s good that the social justice warriors are here defending us from them! They’re keeping us safe from Nazi teenage girls, too:
"This girl comes up to me and she said, ‘Do you hate Mexicans?’ and I was like, ‘no,’ and she said, ‘You support Trump. You hate Mexicans.’"
Armenio says the girl hit her, threw her to the ground, pulled out her earrings and hair. She was left with a bloody nose and scratches and bruises. Before the results came in on election night, Armenio had posted on Instagram that she hoped Trump would win.
This just goes to prove what I’ve been saying all along: Instagram is rubbish. Meanwhile, protesters in New Orleans were spraypainting monuments with slogans of love and tolerance like "black power" and "die whites die." I thought at first this might be racism, but then it was helpfully pointed out to me that the latter is merely German for "the whites, the," which is no doubt an attempt to reach out in friendship to the arrogant Nazis who now rule America with an iron fist.
I think he said "blessed are the cheesemakers"
Not all is doom and gloom and the end of all women and minorities, though. According to the Jews — you may remember them from the time Donald Trump personally shoved millions of them into gas chambers — the election of Trump will herald the coming of the messiah and the end of days; this is the good kind, though, unlike that bad end of days the Soros-funded protesters in America are complaining about.
Shas chairman and Interior Minister Arye Deri said Thursday that Donald Trump’s election could herald the coming of the Messiah due to the blow he expects the next president will strike against the "non-Orthodox Jewish hold on the US government."
"There is no doubt that one can give thanks to God that all those who have damned the [Jewish] covenant and would wipe out Judaism, thinking they could take control over the Land of Israel here and lead reforms in order to cause destruction received their blow," Deri said during an address to the local religious council of Ashdod.
Was Bill Clinton one of those people? I do seem to recall him receiving one of those once.
Which said, there might be something to this. Revelation 11:15: "Then the seventh angel blew his TRUMP!!!et, and there were loud voices in heaven, saying, ‘The kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of his Christ, and he shall reign for ever and ever.’ [Emphasis, diminution, and soundtrack added]"
Yizhar Hess, director of the Masorti (Conservative) Movement in Israel called Deri "ignorant" and said he was seeking to deceive his electorate and the Israeli public.
"Someone who tries to make a connection between the election of President-elect Trump and the supposed weakening power or status of American Jews in their country doesn’t understand anything about the deep dialogue between Israel and America — a dialogue for which the figure of the serving president is almost irrelevant," said Hess.
Ain’t that the truth.
Client states can’t vote
Trump may have crushed her in the domestic vote, but if Arabian satrapies had suffrage, Hillary Clinton would be sitting pretty! That’s a figure of speech.
Asked which of the candidates will positively influence the US policy towards the Arab region, 65 percent of the Saudis said Clinton’s victory will positively impact the Arab region.
The Arab public opinion prefers Clinton’s win by 66 percent while 11 percent prefer Trump’s victory. The highest percentage in support of Clinton winning the presidency was in Morocco and Tunisia while the least percentage in favor of Clinton’s victory was in Palestine and Iraq. Meanwhile, the highest percentage in favor of Trump winning was in Iraq and Egypt.
Anybody else see a pattern here? The Arab countries the United States has already blown up preferred Trump, whereas the countries that bribed the United States into blowing up their enemies — unsurprisingly a more populous group — picked Clinton. Few things reassure me more about a Trump presidency than does the idea that the Wahhabist maniacs in the House of Saud wanted him to lose.
Asked about the issues which the upcoming American president must focus on, those interviewed by the poll said the first priority was not intervening in Arab countries’ affairs. Other priorities included combating ISIS, resolving the Palestinian-Israeli conflict, resolving the Syrian crisis and resolving the crisis in Yemen.
So except for that, no intervening, right? Just remake the whole world and kill all the bad guys, but nothing else? Aces.
Details!
Listen. You just aren’t getting this. The United States Navy is absolutely vital to our national defense! When ISIS sails across the ocean to attack us, how could we possibly defend ourselves if we didn’t spend four billion dollars apiece on these awesome new gunboats? Never mind that ISIS is a group of desert tribesmen who don’t have any equipment they didn’t get from the United States government; that’s all in the past. We need to think about the future!
The U.S. Navy can’t fire its awesome new gun that can hit a target more than 70 miles away because the rounds are costing the service nearly a million bucks a piece.
Just a couple weeks after the Navy commissioned its most advanced warship, the USS Zumwalt (DDG-1000), the service says it won’t be buying any more of the guided precision munitions the ship’s Advanced Gun Systems uses, called the Long Range Land-Attack Projectile (LRLAP).
So if I understand this correctly, the US taxpayers and creditors are on the hook for four billion dollars each for these shiny new warships, and they’re not good for a single thing because there’s no ammunition? Aces. The one and only silver lining in this whole sorry affair is that they honestly wouldn’t be good for anything either way, since there are no naval battles to fight anyhow. Not that they won’t find some other excuse to waste our money, of course. Which reminds me of the F-35!
The Marine Corps is investigating after an F-35B Joint Strike Fighter based out of Beaufort, South Carolina, recently caught fire in mid-air, Military.com has learned.
The incident happened Oct. 27 at Marine Fighter Attack Training Squadron 501, a fleet replacement squadron for the Marine Corps consisting of 20 F-35B aircraft. One of the aircraft experienced a fire in the weapons bay while conducting a training mission over Beaufort, 1st Lt. John Roberts, a spokesman for 2nd Marine Aircraft Wing, told Military.com.
I know what you’re thinking, but don’t get too excited: I’m at least 65% sure it isn’t that John Roberts the government is attempting to kill with its useless, expensive deathtraps.
No estimate of damage caused by the fire was available. The incident was listed by the Naval Safety Center as a Class A mishap, meaning damage totalled $2 million or more on the $100 million aircraft.
I guess it’s rather trivial to consider millions of dollars in losses a mere "class A mishap" when it’s somebody else’s money anyhow.
The F-35 program has suffered several setbacks due to aircraft catching fire, though previous incidents involved the Air Force’s F-35A conventional take-off and landing variant.
Well at least we still get to pay for them!
And now: sex!
Because it’s not hipster enough to be a treehugger anymore, plenty of clueless "environmental activists" are now claiming to be "ecosexuals." While I had previously thought there was not one single reason to read Vice nowadays, it can apparently still be useful, since otherwise I never would have learned about this. And boy would I be missing out (n.b.: potty mouth and extremely unsexy pictures)!
Jennifer Reed, a PhD candidate in sociology at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, is writing a dissertation on ecosexuality, and says that the number of people who identify as ecosexuals has increased markedly in the past two years. And Google search data confirms that interest in the term has spiked dramatically over the past year. We may look back on 2016 as the year ecosexuality hit the mainstream.
But what, exactly, is it? I can’t quote anybody on this — since Vice displays no ability to explain without curse words — so I’ll summarize it myself. Ecosexuality is sort of a bizarre fusion of two entirely separate ideas: people who try to use "green" sex products (no doubt because, having excised religion from their lives, they require some alternative source of guilt and shame to accompany their intimate behaviors) and people who actually engage in sexual activity with the Earth. I’ll leave the details to your imagination (as I must to keep this site family-friendly), but that’s not really what we’re here to talk about anyhow. We’re here to talk about this:
Sprinkle and Stephens talk openly about ecosexuality as a new form of sexual identity. At last year’s San Francisco Pride Parade, they led a contingent of over a hundred ecosexuals in a ribbon-cutting ceremony to "officially" add an E to the LGBTQI acronym; Stephens told Outside that they believe there are now at least 100,000 people around the world who openly identify as ecosexuals.
I’m apparently behind the times; I’m not familiar with the "QI" part of the "official" acronym at all. From now on, I propose we just adopt the phrase "alphabet soup" to describe this. If the ecosexuals insist, we’ll make sure it’s organic, vegan alphabet soup.