Last Week in Weird

8 March 2021 by Darien Sumner

I do not like them, Sam-I-Am

Ah, drag queen story time, that wonderful, family-friendly American institution. Where else can you take your children to have them taught wholesome things than to a dude who’s had himself surgically altered to look as much like the Devil as possible, and who wears a shimmering dress, fishnet stockings, studded leather gloves, and plastic Yu-Gi-Oh hair? Speaking as a father with a young son: that’s a role model, that is!

After all, if we don’t let the cross-dressers indoctrinate our precious youth, they might end up reading horrible far-right hate fear Qanon stuff like that racist Dr. Seuss.

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Last Week in Weird

1 March 2021 by Darien Sumner

Game is you, komrade!

Childhood is a magical thing. With no preconceived notions bounding a child’s imagination, he is able to come up with all manner of games to play and stories to spin. Children are indeed highly adept at applying all manner of bizarre logic to nearly anything; if you’ve ever witnessed a child playing with blocks, or balls, or even rocks, you’ve noticed the way those seemingly mundane objects acquire characters and personalities.

So naturally it’s important to fill the children up with the right notions so they play the right games!

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Last Week in Weird

22 February 2021 by Darien Sumner

It’ll be a cold day in a hot place

I’m sure you’ve heard about the weather. Throughout most of the continental United States, the last week has been unusually cold and snowy (which is because of global warming and don’t you forget it, you horrible science denier). Texas certainly had the worst of it, though; not only were temperatures in the single- or low-double-digits for most of the week, but the infrastructure was unable to withstand the sudden cold — due to years of crony deals, about a quarter of Texas’s electricity is generated by wind and solar, none of which was designed to operate in the cold and buried under snow, and millions of Texans were left without power for days on end, leading to no end of misery and a fair few deaths.

So naturally, deranged rodeo clown Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez says the problem was that Texas didn’t green energy hard enough:

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Last Week in Weird

15 February 2021 by Darien Sumner

Auntie Tom’s Syrup

If there’s anything that can bring people together — people of all races, colours, and creeds, without regard to national boundaries, places of origin, or bizarre hallucinations about having an intimate relationship with Tetris — it’s pancakes. And what pancake feast would be complete without a heaping helping of high fructose corn syrup, artificially flavoured to taste vaguely like what focus groups in southern California assume is maple? Why, truly, it would be a sad day in America without our precious national heritage of remotely food-like bottled rubbish.

Because you’re a newly-hatched innocent little bright-eyed butterfly, I’m sure you’re startled to hear that pancake syrup is racist too.

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Last Week in Weird

8 February 2021 by Darien Sumner

Tomorrow’s just another day, and I don’t believe in Time

For months now, anybody who has had the temerity to point out the obvious, observable fact that the 2020 presidential election was a fraud has been drummed out of polite society, canceled by social media platforms, and “de-platformed” by service providers. Your humble narrator has been an un-person for years, having been in the vanguard of pointing out that the 2016 presidential election was a scam and a hoax also, so none of this comes as a surprise to me.

What, on the other hand, does come as a surprise to me is the fact that the election defrauders are already openly admitting that they rigged the election, in such stodgy, establishment rags as Time magazine, no less:

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Last Week in Weird

1 February 2021 by Darien Sumner

Won’t somebody think of the evil dolls?

Ah, the government. Ever helpful and deeply concerned about the plight of the common man, yes? So concerned, and so helpful, that it even runs the “Amber Alert” system to spread the word about missing children, and help their families — God willing — recover them. Surely, not even as deeply hateful a white supremacist as your humble narrator could possibly have anything to say against that!

Why, the government’s Amber Alert system is in fact so useful that it remains our last line of defense not only against child sex traffickers, but also against 80’s slasher villains.

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Last Week in Weird

26 January 2021 by Darien Sumner

Welcome to the afterlife, Jean-Luc. You’re dead.

Boy howdy did I get in trouble four years ago for talking about what a sham that election was. I’m assuming all you gooves who gave me no end of flawlessly civil and respectful disagreement over that one are once again busily convincing yourselves that this year’s electionball tournament also featured what they call NO FOUL PLAY WHATSOEVER, but it may be worth pointing out that your humble narrator is not a “Trump guy” this time around any more than he was last time.

So complaining that the new guy wasn’t actually elected — which is obviously the case — has roughly the same moral weight as Misty posting a sign on the Cerulean Gym saying that Giovanni is not the rightful boss of Team Rocket. It’s important because it’s true — except the bit about Team Rocket, which I made up — but it’s not like the figure of the boss is the important element. The organization is evil either way, yeah?

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Last Week in Weird

18 January 2018 by Darien Sumner

Boy, did we get in trouble last week! I better not say anything controversial this time.

Nothing to see here

Everybody remembers where he was when Pearl Harbor was attacked. Everybody — with one tiny, insignificant exception — remembers where he was when president Kennedy was shot. Everybody remembers when science discovered that there is an infinite multiplexity of genders that can be changed at will. Now, friends, be sure to center yourselves and enter into your permanent memory banks your exact location when North Korea launched nuclear missiles at Hawaii.

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Last Week in Weird

10 January 2018 by Darien Sumner

Batten down the hatches — there’s a whole new year of weird a’comin’!

Look! Up in the sky!

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s certainly not the U.S. government’s multi-billion-dollar, super-duper secret "Zuma" satellite. Because that’s at the bottom of the Indian Ocean.

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Last Week in Weird

14 August 2017 by Darien Sumner

A more perfect union

Long ago, in the halcyon days of January — specifically, on the halcyon day of January second — I boldly predicted that an utterly madcap editorial run by Slate would be the worst opinion piece of the year. That article, if you recall, was advocating that the government encourage a sufficient level of traffic fatalities to maintain the supply of "free" donor organs. Surely nothing would top that!

Your humble narrator is nothing if not humble, and is thus forced to admit that the ever-faithful, true-~~red~~blue New York Times has certainly given it the old college try. The Times has been running a regular column called "Red Century" for a few months now, in which the luminaries of the modern left wax poetical about (so help me) the Soviet Union and how wonderful life was there. So that’s already pretty stupid, but I am compelled to point out that this week’s "Red Century" column has finally vaulted into the heady stratosphere of stupidity occupied by Slate’s explicitly pro-traffic-fatalities glurge. It’s a bit of historical ignorance about how positively liberated Soviet women were compared to the stupid rubes in the Free World, but… well, just you wait. You won’t believe this one.

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