Game is you, komrade!
Childhood is a magical thing. With no preconceived notions bounding a child’s imagination, he is able to come up with all manner of games to play and stories to spin. Children are indeed highly adept at applying all manner of bizarre logic to nearly anything; if you’ve ever witnessed a child playing with blocks, or balls, or even rocks, you’ve noticed the way those seemingly mundane objects acquire characters and personalities.
So naturally it’s important to fill the children up with the right notions so they play the right games!
The toy giant Hasbro is rebranding its iconic Mr. Potato Head toy by dropping the “Mr.” from the name. On the surface, it may seem like a subtle shift, but it is designed to break away from traditional gender norms, particularly when it comes to creating Potato Head families—how toddlers frequently play with the toy, according to Hasbro’s research. But starting this fall, when the new brand is unveiled, kids will have a blank slate to create same-sex families or single-parent families.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s a natural disaster — a hate natural disaster, yet, which is even worse — that children can tell that they have fathers and mothers. Even worse than that is when children somehow, despite our very best efforts, begin to think that it’s normal or perhaps even good that that’s the case!
I know what else you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m assigning a motive to Hasbro much the way they hallucinate that bureaucrats assign “genders” to newborn babies. But am I in fact?
This means the toys don’t impose a fixed notion of gender identity or expression, freeing kids to do whatever feels most natural to them: A girl potato might want to wear pants and a boy potato might wear earrings. Hasbro will also sell boxed sets that don’t present a normative family structure. This approach is clever because it allows kids to project their own ideas about gender, sexuality, and family onto the toy, without necessarily offending parents that have more conservative notions about family.
“Gender” is a made-up thing from your crazy heads and children do not have ideas about sexuality except what you’ve drilled into them, you perverts. But, yes, it’s saying exactly what I’m making it sound like it’s saying: this is an attempt to sneak some “critical theory” hogwash past parents who might foolishly assume that a goofy dress-up potato toy could possibly just be innocent fun.
Also, no news at press time as to whether or not Hasbro is going to bring Toy Justice to the people whose family structures might not contain any anthropomorphic potato people with giant pop-eyes at all.
In 2012, Hasbro celebrated the 60th wedding anniversary of Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head with a boxed set featuring the couple. But eight years later, the brand wants to stop leaning so heavily into this traditional family structure.
Barbie was right all along: math is hard.
Marching orders
I remember going to band camp back in high school, but this is ridiculous.
An image shows students at a school in Wenatchee, Washington State socially distanced inside what look like human tents as they perform in a band.
The picture appears to show two girls playing saxophones while trapped inside the awning-like structures, while others in the background play flute.
According to the article, “You can’t see them smiling beneath the masks,” but the kids are happy to be back at school.
You read that right, reading fans: this school has filled the band room with pop-up tents — like the kind you get as part of gender-neutral social justice camping playsets for little kids — for each student to stay isolated in, because now we’re definitely doing science. Not doing acoustics, of course — I’m sure that band sounds just lovely like this, after all — but probably whatever kind of science got that Obama guy published in multiple peer-reviewed scientific journals.
Also, sure, those tiny alto sax chicks seem to be having a blast. But tuba guy?
He is perhaps just a wee bit cramped.
90s kind of guys
I was so sure this was a trailer for a new Naked Gun movie, but, if you can’t trust the New York Post, who can you trust?
Oh my. Your humble narrator is compelled to note the ceaseless giggling this video has provoked. It turns out that putting your police on rollerblades converts a standard pistol into a two-man crewed armament, which is hilarious, though not nearly as hilarious as the motorcycle-led conga line at end of the video. It must be seen to be believed. Just remember as you’re doing so: this is evidently not satire.
See how special security unit officers in the seafront city of Karachi, Pakistan, are training to catch criminals on rollerblades. “We can reach narrow alleys very quickly,” Aneela Aslam said
Oh, I just bet you can, ducky.
Last week in ironic
You remember CPAC. I mean, I can’t imagine why you remember CPAC, but I’m sure you do. Calling itself the “Conservative Political Action Conference,” CPAC is an annual gathering where ne’er-do-wells like Mittens Romney and Lindsey Graham hobnob with rich-and-famous center-right types in an attempt to score themselves some sweet, sweet, billionaire loot.
The theme of this year’s CPAC was “America Uncancelled,” which is an obvious attempt to position the Republican Party in opposition to the left-wing cancel culture that’s sweeping across the land lately. Fair enough, then. Makes it twice as funny when they start cancelling their speakers, too!
“We have just learned that someone we invited to CPAC has expressed reprehensible views that have no home with our conference or our organization,” said CPAC in a statement posted on Twitter. “The individual will not be participating at our conference.”
Note carefully what CPAC is not saying. They are not saying that the speaker was cancelled because of what he planned to speak about at CPAC. They are saying that they heard this speaker — who calls himself “Young Pharaoh,” apparently with no irony whatsoever — has thought Bad Thoughts about Jews in other situations in the past, and, as such, he is wholly unwelcome at CPAC, which is, as I believe I’ve mentioned, largely a public relations gimmick intending to mulct donations from Jewish billionaires.
Young Pharaoh has been widely criticized for his tweets. However, that has not stopped him from responding, and offering to debate those who disagree…
The YouTuber responded to the [American Jewish Committee] tweet with a challenge to engage him in a debate over his remarks for $50,000 dollars.
This part is important. “Young Pharaoh” has spoken out against Judaism in the past, to be sure — purely in all caps, as near as I can tell, which is the reason I didn’t quote any of it — and has been called out on it. His response was to challenge his opponents to a debate. He even offered them a non-trivial amount of money as a reward if they beat him!
After which they sent scare-o-grams to conference organisers in an attempt to get him cancelled.
With all due respect to Moses, this time the Jews are in the wrong and Pharaoh is right.
Double irony bonus feature!
Presented without comment except for one [sic]:
Over the weekend, the mobile electronic billboard was parked outside an Asda supermarket for a PR campaign.
“Being offensive is an offence” states the ad, which features a police badge superimposed over an LGBT rainbow flag…
The billboard received a huge backlash, with many people pointing out that it is in fact not a criminal offence to be offensive.
Merseyside Police were forced to later clarify in a statement that “being an offensive [sic] is not in itself an offence.”
Ladies and gentlemen, the usurper-in-chief of the United States